Valvo-SanI don’t have much of a sweet-tooth, so it took until this afternoon for me to crack open this Easter’s Kinder Surprise Egg. The prizes in those things are always a little bit what-the-fuck, but none of them can hold a candle to the sublime weirdness of VALVO-SAN, the great wise man of the east.

The description that came with Valvo-San says it best, so I encourage you to read it for yourself.

Valvo-San DescriptionFrom what I’ve cobbled together out of the assorted lore, Valvo-San seems to be some sort of kung-fu advisor to a cyber-mouse that fights computer viruses. Remember Reboot? And how that shit was super weird? Well this stuff is basically Reboot, but with animals. Also, it’s set inside Kinder Surprise Eggs and there’s no sweet computer animated TV show.

Valvo-San is one of those no-assembly-required toys, which means that you’re originally kind of bummed to get him. But then you read the included description, and realize that he fucking lights up when you push a button on his back so hard that your finger bleeds. I guess Kinder Surprise has started including some high-tech prizes in order to compete with those Xboxes that the kids are always playing with these days.

Now, because I know this sounds like pack of lies, I’ve included photographic evidence. This is serious business, for real.

Cybertop Description
The Cybertop Gang
(Click the photos to embiggen)